Depression is Depressing

Bonnie Kirkpatrick, 37
Bonnie does not hide her problems with depression. She says it helps her deal with it. Otherwise she she would be ‘hiding from the truth.’ But she does wonder if  perhaps her ‘truth’ does make it more difficult for others, including her young daughter.

I guess I don’t have what they call ‘clinical depression.’ It is just old fashioned ‘depression.’

I don’t know what the difference is. I mean I seriously don’t know. I guess I could look it up. But it would probably be too depressing. (laughs)

Maybe I am just clinically moody. (laughs)

Or female.

I don’t know. I can’t remember a time when I was not aware of ‘feeling blue.’ So I don’t really know what constitutes ‘normal.’ I have bad days and I have worse days. But I’m not sure if I have ever had an actual good day.

That is no way to live, is it. I mean you learn to cope. You have to. You might skip going out to buy milk if you are having a ‘bad’ day.

Or lay off the sauce if you are having a really bad day.

That is the funny thing about me. I don’t drink when I am really depressed. I know I’m supposed to drown my sorrows. But I find that so… depressing. (laughs)

Maybe I should start. Maybe that is why they will not allow me to call myself clinically depressed. Maybe I need to take it up a notch. Get down and dirty.

I do feel sorry for Nellie. She bears the brunt of it. She knows the signs. As soon as she walks into the room in the morning she knows what her day is going to be like.

I can read it on her face. And I do feel bad. She had to learn how to cope as well. And she didn’t do anything wrong. Her mother just happens to be depressed. That is not her fault.

I’m sure she can’t wait to get out of here. Get her own place and start her own life.

But lord, that is a long, long way away. She is only 12. So she’s looking at another six, seven, eight years of this?

And that is if she does not go away to university. What if she gets stuck going locally! Add another four years to that.

It is too much. But she has no choice. She can’t live with her father. You think I’m bad. (laughs)

So we keep doing what we are doing, I guess. At least for now.

No one expects things will get any better but I’d be very happy -for both of us- if it did not get any worse.

Maybe I really don’t want to be ‘clinical.’ Who knows what that would be like. Or the repercussions. For both of us.

So maybe I’ll try to stick to plain old depression for now. Leave the loftier goals to someone else. (laughs)

© 2016 James Porteous

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